Life Achievement Unlocked

My passport now has its first stamp. Just the thought of it was making me giddy before the trip began. And the thought of it after the fact is no less satisfying. Japan was, in a word, amazing. I would happily go back again.

I will admit that it wasn't the easiest choice for a first trip abroad. Akin to being thrown into the deep end of the pool. But we learned and swam. The obvious first, and largest, obstacle was the language. Not only do we not speak more than a dozen words of Japanese, but very few of them speak English or know more than a dozen words themselves. Nevertheless, the population is very friendly and several comical exchanges were extraordinarily helpful here and there. The written language is an entirely different situation. Japanese kanji is all symbols and was entirely alien to us. It was impossible to guess what a sign might say unless it happened to have a picture alongside. There was a good amount of English sprinkled here and there, and more so in the tourist areas. But even google maps showed kanji and made attempting to get our bearings very difficult many times. Needless to say, there were plenty of wrong turns and quite a few stops in doorways to consult all the maps. Luckily we were never unduly lost. Generally just turned around and off by a wee bit. We mostly rolled with it, understanding that this was bound to happen, but there were a few moments of frustration. When it's dark in a small mountain town, the last bus out leaves in less than twenty minutes, it's another three hours by train to the evening accommodation, you've only *just* remembered to retrieve your luggage from the luggage service who was staying open for you, and you've missed your turn... well, it was a moment. (We did not miss the bus.)

I was jointly alarmed and comforted when our guidebook stated that even locals get lost in the Tokyo metro station labyrinths. They are relatively well signed and this is a place where there is enough English to get you by. But it took a few stations to figure out where to look and how to stop in the flow of people without creating a traffic jam. It took me nearly the entire trip to remember to walk on the left-hand side. And by then we were back in Tokyo where every third station or staircase had a sign telling you to walk on the right. Ack! At first I felt idiotic for ruining the traffic pattern, but realized by day three that even if you walk on the correct side you are just as likely to get bowled over by a local in a rush. I learned that you just have to move with purpose as if you know where you are headed. The "just keep walking" idea often got us to a right place (bus stop, metro station, large "you are here" map), which could get us to the right place. I planned the itinerary by evening accommodation only, so the days were open to explore whatever was interesting. And often if you just keep walking in Japan you will very soon find yourself at a temple gate or running across some seemingly random bit of beauty.

I planned the trip to be evenly divided between time in cities and time in the country. Though we could have easily spent more time everywhere we went. Between taking copious amounts of pictures and exploring every nook and cranny, we were far slower than most of the walking maps inferred. After just one day I recognized that we would only get to an exceedingly small portion of the many things to see. I also recognized that it would be like that on every trip I take, especially those abroad. You cannot explore a country or place in a couple of short weeks. And the majority of tourists we saw at the sights were Japanese. So even living there doesn't necessarily allow you the opportunity. We could have easily spent the entire two weeks in just Tokyo or Kyoto and been satisfied. And although we spent many hours on trains traveling between places, I am very glad we traveled around. If I never find the opportunity to return, I know I enjoyed a good variety of what Japan has to offer.

There is, of course, much more to share about the trip. And I will do so in a couple of days. I am heading out in an hour to visit family and eat my portion of the grand turkey massacre tomorrow. Pictures, stories, top fives are still to come. Meanwhile, I had my first post-clear follow-up PET scan yesterday morning. I won't get the results for three weeks (Dec 17), and I will let you all know as soon as I do. The plan is to proudly proclaim another clean report. In the interim I will attempt to distract myself and keep busy in order to stave off the scanxiety. Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Heading Out

Well, well, well. I'm finally off for my first big international adventure. Heading off to the Land of the Rising Sun, Japan. I will return with copious amounts of pictures and catching up to do. It's late and I need to get up early to drive to the airport. So this is simply a short and sweet update. I have the capability to update this (yay Bluetooth keyboard!), and will attempt to do so at least once on this grand trip. See you on the other side of the dateline.

Busy Little Bee

Months ago I was hoping that I could regularly keep up with this blog in the "after-life" of cancer. It appears that hopeful thinking has not come to fruition. I find my best ideas for posts come to me when I am far from my laptop or right before I have to head out the door for something. That always seems to be the way it goes with great ideas. Kind of nice to know that some things never change.

Of course I have been busy lately. Seems to be the m.o. for this new normal. Although retirement does bring more space and time to my hands, I'm quick to give it away and book myself silly even on most of my free days. Lately I have been grappling with the keen propensity to do all the things. I am somewhat overeager and often overwhelmed with the myriad choices I've presented to myself. This is not a new phenomenon, but the sensibility of it has changed. I know I have written of this here before. About that underlying urgency that I now feel. As if cancer is a neighbor's hostile dog that is just waiting to scare and attack me when I step outside the front door. I know all cancer survivors live under this shadow for a time. My challenge is to live bigger than the small space within that shadow; to not feel bogged down or let paranoia keep me in a static state.

I actually get to spend this coming weekend at home. It will be the first one all month, and the last one for another month following. I've been playing travel agent all this week. A time consumptive, but exciting process. My Japan trip is just over two weeks away. And then it's two weeks in the land of the rising sun. I've got all the locations decided upon. Now to fit it all into an itinerary that still has some space for whim and chance. There is an awful damn lot of amazing places to see there. Choosing just a few has proven difficult. The plan is to spend the first couple of days in Tokyo before heading out to Nikko for a day. Then we're headed to the Nagano region and a hike through the Kiso Valley before landing in Kyoto for a couple of days. Then it is up to Mt. Koya and a Buddhist temple stay for two nights. We'll complete the circular route stopping by Mount Fuji for a night before arriving back in Tokyo for the flight home. I'm trying to leave space in there for the possibility of additional stops or side trips along the way. The train system in Japan seems pretty extensive and should make the possibility of options easy.

Being inclined to immersion, I'm sure to find myself watching a few Japanese films over the next couple of weeks. I'll be buying at least one guide to Japan this weekend. And having never read Shogun, I figure this is a prime opportunity to do so. Still haven't decided whether to borrow it from a friend or just buy it for my Kindle. The Kindle will be easier to pack along with me, so I'm leaning that way. Especially since I won't have a lot of time for reading beforehand since I'm leaving next Wednesday for TeslaCon with several friends. Five days out of town again, for what I am certain will be a grand time. I'd go into more detail about that, but need to get back to the internet research and reservation making. Plus, it leaves me something to talk about within the next week.

Catching Up

Another expanse of time has passed between posts. Things have been busy around here lately and will continue to be for the next couple of months. In years past October was always a busy month because it was fund drive month at the public radio station where I worked. Seems like that tradition of a busy October is slated to continue despite my retirement. As a matter of fact I'll only be home for one weekend in this whole month. It seems crazy sometimes how the days just slip by. I'm finally back into an almost daily yoga practice, and am dragging my lazy ass outside for walks as well. Though the latter isn't as regular as I would like yet. The cooler weather is coming on quickly and I'd like to take advantage of the sun's warmth while it is still around for a little while.

I booked a pair of tickets to Tokyo for November 9th. So the two-week trip to Japan is officially in the works! Still working on making reservations and plans, but I'm very excited for my first trip abroad. Finally time to get that passport stamped and start my world travels. I was up early this morning to see my regular doctor for the first of the my vaccination shots. There isn't really much needed for travel to Japan right now. Updated my flu shot for the year and started the two-part Hepatitis A vaccine. I'll get the shot for Japanese Encephalitis tomorrow and the second part of the Hep A the day before we leave.

There are several crafty projects for me to work on right now. Finishing up some lucet work for a mixed display in a couple of weeks. Lots of little things to work on to prep for TeslaCon at the end of the month. Three whole days of steampunk outfits means some minor tailoring and lots of cool "steamy" accessories to work out. And an ongoing embroidery project for my nephew which I need to move into the living room so that I spend more time on it.

Time has probably been the item foremost on my mind lately. I have yet to create any sort of daily schedule for myself and have begun to feel like this might be a needed change. I tend to move back and forth between many multiple things in a day, and often in an inefficient manner. I'm not really enamored of the idea of a daily schedule. But some sort of loose framework is probably going to work best. Now to come up with something that I can impose without feeling constrained, that's the dilemma.

No medical news to comment on. And hopefully none to come in the future. PET scan in late November with results a couple of weeks later. But other than these follow-up appointments every three months I shouldn't have anything to report. That's the best kind of news though. However it does seem to be bad news for me keeping up with this blog. I'll continue to try to stay recent. Another item to add to that loose schedule.

Mile Marker One

I had my first N.E.D. follow-up appointment yesterday. There was blood work, a visit with my doctor, and a port flush. Everything looked good. My white blood cell counts are a little low right now, but everything else was in normal ranges. The number I was most concerned with was my CEA. Short for carcinoembryonic antigen, this is a tumor marker in the blood that helps predict outlook in patients with colorectal cancer. Lower is better, and anything under 3 is considered good. My CEA is 0.5. This is a bloody brilliant number. I was only mildly anxious before the appointment. And that continued until I received the CEA number this morning. But I have to admit that it feels really good to receive this first clean continued bill of health.

Of course you can only tell so much from a physical exam and blood work. I feel like the first "real" test of my continued NED-ness will be with my first follow-up PET scan at the end of November. It will be six months out from treatment at that point. And I'm pretty certain that I will be distressingly anxious about that one. But... I will take these rare moments of anxiety over treatment and daily considerations of mortality. Only four and three-quarter years to go before I can "officially" be on the other side of this mess.

In the meanwhile I've been reading quite a bit. Just finished a new book called "The Cancer Chronicles" which was released last month. It takes a fascinating look at cancer through history (even dinosaurs had it!) and to the latest research and medical work that is happening. Most of my experience in reading it was relatively depressing. I find myself in an odd quandary when it comes to reading about and researching cancer. I absolutely feel that forewarned is forearmed. But it is difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering and from often seeing the darkest side of every conclusion. To some extent, this book reinforced my idea that cancer treatment is a "throw it at the wall and see what sticks" type of situation. Doctors, biologists, physicists, geneticists (etc.) are daily discovering more about cell mutation, metastatic development, genetic markers, and hundreds of other cancer-related studies. Turning those discoveries into treatment options is tremendously slow and sometimes moot. And you again come to the problem that not every person responds the same. We are each complex systems dealing with a particular complex system of cancer, and what works in one system does not necessarily translate to another. It can make this kind of reading maddening.

Another book I just finished, and would recommend to all, is "The Meaning of Life" by Terry Eagleton. This short (under 150 pages) book is a dense little philosophical tome examining the phrase 'the meaning of life.' It starts with an examination of the word meaning before moving on to the larger phrase. Not light reading, but most assuredly enlightening. At one point in a discussion about modernist philosophers he uses the following phrase: "the fatiguing, unglamorous business of staying biologically afloat." I was immediately struck by this line, and took a few minutes away from the book to consider how extraordinarily well that can describe cancer treatment. The book as a whole had me thinking for several days about my standing in regards to life.

I often struggle when writing here. Trying to balance honesty and the state of my being (physical, mental and emotional) with hopefulness and a particular zest for living. But every day is not sunshine. Some of you have had those longer conversations with me where you can see the balancing act I sometimes play between fear of life and death. I expect that other cancer survivors understand this without explanation. How there is this crazy, ineffable mental track between pure despondency and true hope. One train of thought leads you toward the incurable certainty of death. Followed immediately by the powerful instinct to live, and do so without reserve. I have expressed concern regarding your reaction to the "low" moments. But I wholly believe that one cannot fully recognize the heights of happiness without perceiving it from the angles of both top and bottom. Life holds more meaning when held up against the spectrous shadow of Death.

And we cannot disavow the uncomfortable truth that cancer, and living itself, occasionally sucks. We can choose, however, which side of the track that we want to mentally house ourselves. The large majority of the time, I find myself on the side of hope and positivity. If I can somehow encourage the same in others, then I have made my significant mark on the world.

A Peek in the Closet

Long awaited greetings friends. I have clearly been keeping busy and not getting around to checking in here lately. Also been having some issues accessing the blog for the last couple of days. Finally found a go-around, and am hoping that the issue is fixed on the server side of things soon.

Spent three solid days cooking last week. I've started to restock the freezer with the bounty of summer produce from the local farmer's market. It's about half full now and I have the makings for another two batches of vegetable stock, which will finish filling one of the shelves. Also spent a day and a half of that time making meals for a friend who just had hip surgery this week. She will be off her feet for a little while, so I got together with one of my best girlfriends and we made a week's worth of meals for her and her family. And I realized in the process that this may be a reason why I've been so inordinately lucky with my friends and support over the last year and a half. This is not the first time I've helped out a friend in need, and will certainly not be the last. I try to be there for those I care about, and in return they have been there for me. You get what you give.

My sister, brother-in-law and nephew came down for a day visit last week as well. We went to the Air Zoo and had a really good time seeing everything and riding the rides. It was, surprisingly, my first time there even though I've been here in Kalamazoo for thirteen years. We had some good visiting, went to the best pizza place in town, and generally enjoyed one another. My nephew just keeps growing and getting stronger. I suspect he will be walking sometime in the next month or so. Not talking yet, but I am looking forward to that development.

Many of you who follow this blog likely know that part of the initial surgery to remove my rectal tumor left me with a permanent colostomy. I've been relatively open about this fact in face-to-face conversations, but have hesitated to talk about it in this space. In the last few months I've gotten even more comfortable revealing this fact and decided that it was time to just "come out" completely. This has been a very large change in my day to day life, and a major change to my body and my body image. The surgery was in May of last year, and it took me several months to acclimate to this new normal. It's been over a year now and I figure that it was time to finally just let go. As with any major physical change there have been ups and downs and a variety of frustrations. I won't go into any of the stinky details, but needless to say, I've had to deal with many challenges in becoming an ostomate. However, it is partly because of this change that I am still here and in good health. If you didn't know about this already, or are interested in knowing more, please feel free to contact me or find me face-to-face and I'll be happy to chat about it and answer any questions.

I'll leave you all with that big reveal. I've got quite a bit on my mind lately and will likely post again in the next couple of days.

Come Away With Me

This has been a pretty busy year of traveling so far. Typically the trips are only 2-4 hours from home, but multiple nights away. I don't even put my duffel back in the attic anymore after unpacking. Just simpler to leave it in my dressing room waiting for the next trip which is rarely more than two weeks in the waiting. This last weekend of August will be my only one here at home. And yet even within this weekend I'll be heading up to a concert in Grand Rapids tonight (Reverend Horton Heat!) and likely all day Sunday spent at an event just over an hour northeast. I certainly seem to be rather adept at keeping myself busy and the calendar filled.

Had a beautiful day in Saugatuck and at the beach last Wednesday. Temps were in the low 80's with sunshine all day and the Lake Michigan water was cold enough to startle the body. Armed with sun hat, sunglasses and sunscreen, it was a relaxing and lovely mini road trip. Left town the very next day with one of my best girlfriends to see Depeche Mode in concert on the east side of the state. So much fun, and also tremendously interesting to see such a large group of my peer age getting into the concert groove again. Spent the next day visiting some shops and the zoo. Perfectly warm, not-too-hot (at least for my taste), day again and the animals were being very cooperative and picture friendly. Got all dolled up first thing Saturday morning and made our way out to the Renaissance Faire in Holly. Yet another good weather day, especially for one spent corseted and in layers. Headed out that evening to Ypsilanti to stay with one of my favorite families. Spent Sunday prepping for a casual wedding shower garden party for two wonderful, beautiful people. Board games, great food, croquet, sangria, bocce - rather a delightful way to end the weekend.

Looking back on just this month, I realize that I've spent a lot of really good time in these 30 days with almost everyone that is important to me. And I recognize, once again, how very lucky and blessed I am to have so many beautiful souls willing to share their love, time, generosity, and goodness with me. It is quite an honour to have the opportunity to live such a life. I do not take it for granted. I try to notice and remark upon it within my mind and heart every day. If there was ever a reason to fight for years of life, or to stay in high spirits despite the difficulties - this is one excellent reason.

I Won't Back Down

In the past week's time I've heard about two deaths from cancer among the family/friends of my friends. It feels like cancer is popping up everywhere, at an increasing rate with every month that goes by. I wonder how much of this is just confirmation bias, where I am simply seeing the world through the filter of cancer and therefore all connections to cancer seem to scream out at me as if in all caps and bold. Is there truly more cancer in the world now? Have we manipulated our world, our food, our environment, ourselves, into the perfect real estate for this biological mutation to take residence? Are we simply going to the doctor more, getting tested more, recognizing the disease before it (or something related) kills us? This isn't a new plague. It's been around for ages just like many other health issues that we never paid much attention to before. Is this a crisis of cancer or a crisis of diagnosis?

We are also curing more than ever before. So many people are living well, and long, in the wake of their treatment. I don't know the big numbers of cancer diagnoses versus cancer cures on a year-to-year or decade-to-decade basis. Probably not statistics that would make for a very fun day of exploring for me. But the logical side of my brain is curious to know if the big numbers are just getting bigger on a parallel, or if there is actual divergence. And if there is divergence, to which side of the coin does it weigh? But to most of my brain it doesn't really matter what the answer is. The fact is that I seem to see/find cancer everywhere; that it is becoming inescapable and encompassing in my world. And we can only approach the world through our personal perspective.

My newest metaphor (oh how I love a metaphor) for cancer survival is like having Nelson from The Simpsons sitting on a bench in my Id. You're going along just fine, strolling through the days of your life, when sporadically and out of nowhere you hear "Ha Ha!" and turn around to see the evil finger of cancer pointing at your very soul. Always disconcerting, impossible to ignore, certainly annoying, and difficult to just shake off. But shake it off I do. That is my modus operandi after all: optimism, enthusiasm, stubborn refusal to give in. "Smile and the world smiles with you." On a road trip several days ago I heard the Tom Petty song "I Won't Back Down" on the radio. I own several Petty albums, so it's not like the song was new to me. But something about hearing it on that day made me wish to take it up as a personal anthem. That is one of the great things about music. It really speaks to you sometimes, stands out in sharp relief and insists upon recognition. (Those of you musically inclined have likely noticed my preponderance toward using song names and lines as blog titles.)

So where is my mind this week? Certainly a bit better than last. I'm not past any fears, but they run on a mutable muzak track for now. I've started the research process for a November trip abroad. Looks like we're going to Japan, unless the cost begins to look too steep. I don't want to dig too deeply into the pocket of my retirement for the first trip. My plan is to spread that money out over a couple of years and multiple excursions. But it is pretty darn exciting to start the planning. And as beautiful as Michigan can be in the fall, I'm thinking that fall in Japan will knock its socks off.

Tomorrow is beach day! Summer has returned with some lovely warm days again and I'm taking full advantage of the sun with a trip to the sand. Wander the dunes, check out a beachside town, eat something indulgent, road trip with the windows down. Yes. Then it's a long weekend with one of my best girls in which we will rock out, dress up, see the sights, and hang with lots of friends. The world may be full of cancer, but my world is also full of fantastic and wonderful things.