The circle of life is a bitch. Living life 'in the moment,' which is one of my goals, makes it really easy to not think about the other side of life, death. I think it is something that is instinctively difficult for our species to really focus on for any length of time. And yet, we are all on our way to death's door... it's the only real path of which any of us can be certain. It is scary and difficult and sad. I was faced with another death yesterday, a friend who was the epitome of how to live life joyfully with a disease. I think about him and there are such good memories of conversation and laughter, but now those thoughts also come with this sense of void. Some blankness in my mind that tightens my throat and is impossible to describe. And yet I smile with those thoughts as well because he was always so good at bringing a smile to people, and because of the love that is also borne along.
I have a frightening medical condition and the reality is that we may not be able to control it, or there could be complications, or the cure itself could affect me poorly. But another side of this coin is that there are any number of things out there that could kill any of us. Lightning could strike, car crashes happen, and the gods know what other kinds of medical issues could occur. I've lost two people in as many weeks and I mourn them. But their deaths reconfirm my determination to live. This moment, and whatever is behind us, is all we are guaranteed. Each next moment is a surprise, a gift, a blessing. I cannot think of my great aunt or Deforest without seeing smiles on their faces. So I will smile, even if my eyes are watery. Because I feel that is the best I can do to honor them. I will live and I will spend my time with the ones I love, soaking in every this moment.