Friday, March 29, 2013

The little things...

So I've been pretty gung-ho with my attitude to chemotherapy this time around. Was feeling pretty stoked to get it started and thinking that it will be easier to get through this time since I've been through it once already. No big deal, la di da. Apparently I didn't quite remember all the little crappy details about being on chemo. And although I made it to the other side of treatment the first time without too many lasting issues, it doesn't make this round a walk in the park. Experience does not relieve the tiredness, the "am I hungry or nauseous or both" moments, the lethargy, the tingling hands, and the general dull ache that accompanies two days on the pump. I have had to remind myself the last couple of days that it is okay to feel bad and not be on top of everything. Remind myself of how to get to that zen space that I occupied so well last summer.

I just know that the end is so near now. Two treatments down, which means only four more to go. One third of the way done. It's practically April, which means just under two months to the end. It feels so close, but I need to remember that it is most definitely not a "sprint to the end" sort of race. I can make it through it again, preferably with the same mental aplomb as before. But it doesn't mean it is going to be easy every day.

You would think that I'd be much better about being gentle and patient with myself. However, one of the problems with my new perspectives is that I see just how much stuff there is to see and do! And I want to do all of the things RIGHT NOW. There is an underlying sense of urgency that is now in competition with my new mindfulness. And I know I'll never get around to reading all the books on my ever-growing list, or see all the corners of the world, or finish every craft idea I come up with, or attend all the events/plays/music that are occurring on the same day. That's just the way life is for all of us. That's how it would be if I make it to 100 years old. And I never want to run out of interesting things to add to my Want and To-do lists.

To be frankly honest, there is also a sad, almost nostalgic, sensibility that thrums alongside this feeling of urgency. I am pretty sure it comes from a place of fear. Which is something I don't talk about much, or even allow myself the time to dwell within. I will not let fear be a loud voice in my mind or my life. But I am not immune to it, and occasionally I put on my gloves and have to fight it back into the shadows. It is an easy, simple emotion. Easier to slip into than the more complex and fulfilling emotions like hope and compassion. But I will not be lazy in the living of this life. And I continue my work to fully be in each moment and relish each day. Even if it is a tired, not at the top of my game day.

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