Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wiped

I am so freakin' tired. The chemo is just wiping me out right now. It is probably because of my little setback last week. I was already in recovery mode before we even started this treatment. I run one errand and I'm ready for a nap. Run another, and another nap. Had three doctor appointments today and it was just at the edge of what I was able to handle. Also finally got the invitations for my sister's baby shower in the mail. Those are a week behind but still out with enough time for RSVPs, so I'm not sweating them being late.

My energy and enthusiasm have been rather lacking for the last week's time. I know that hospital visits like I had are probably pretty normal in the scheme of things, but it bummed me out. It was a kick in the pants to remind me that we are dealing with some serious shit here. For all the good/normal days and the good times that I'm determined to keep finding, the underlying dark fact remains for now. And I still find it hard sometimes to just sit in peace with the harsh reality of my illness. Stage four is a scary thing and my body is doing a lot more work with recovery and fighting than I give it credit for. It's easier to recognize on days like this when I am so wiped out.

Tomorrow will be nine months since my diagnosis. That's a long time to be dealing with anything. I have complete sympathy for my sister and how hard nine months of pregnancy must be. Especially with your body changing so quickly and so much. I know that I hit the wall last night and was as mentally and emotionally tired as I was physically. It was a moment of "I'm done." It has been so much for so long now and it isn't always easy. I'm still hopeful and still full on in this fight, but I'm in a bit of a valley right now. I am looking forward to an event this weekend and seeing many friends. I am expecting to have a fantastic time and will be drawing lots of energy from the people and activities around me. I hope it is just the thing to help me start making my way out of these doldrums.

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