Friday, December 28, 2012

Assiversary

Happy Anniversary Cancer.

It has been one whole year together today and I have a lot of thoughts to share with you. Let's get the worst out first. You suck, and I am not glad that you came into my life. Things were going along pretty swimmingly before you showed up on my doorstep. This relationship is truly the hardest one I've ever had to deal with, and I've had some doozies over the years. You have brought me pain and suffering the likes of which I've never experienced before.

You have changed the landscape of my body and mind. Every time I look in a mirror I see the lines, the gray hairs, the scars you have wrought upon my body. You came into my life, into my body, clawed at my heart and took away parts of me that can never be replaced. I can never be the same after you. Begrudgingly I will say that not all the changes are for the worst.

I am still learning how to deal with you. I have never asked you why, why you decided to pick me... it's too hard of a question and too rhetorical for you to create an answer. I have shed more tears over you than any other, either for love or loss. You have become my constant companion. There are few moments in which you do not invade and try to cast your pall. You are heavy to carry, and you give nothing back to me for the effort. I would say you are the most selfish thing I know, but I recognize that you are unaware of your faults. However, that doesn't make you any less of a bastard and a heartless bitch.

But somehow, despite all these harsh words and criticisms, I would like to thank you as well. For showing me that I am strong enough to live inside your shadow. Often I am even strong enough to step outside of it. Thank you for allowing me to fully see how absolutely blessed I am with the love of friends and family. And for allowing me what time you will to spend with them. You even helped to deepen and strengthen some of those relationships. You have helped me clear psychological issues. And taught me how to live without shoulds, and truly within each moment. You have made me more aware of the greatness of every day and every moment. I didn't want to learn these lessons this way. Though I am impressed by the speed under your tutelage.

I'm not sure I've quite fully accepted you in my life. I rail and curse at you too often to know. But I've accepted that you are here, and it's either that or let you stalk me for the rest of my days. I do ask that you please be gentler with me in the next year of our life together. Also... I'm ready for some space, a little breathing room, the occasional day or week without you. To be brutally honest, I'd like to be able to tell you to fuck off. But it wouldn't do any good. I know I will never be rid of you. That you do not leave easily or without struggle. And even if you go, the fear of you will linger in the corners of my psyche forever.

Where do we go from here? You have had the lead in this dance. Maybe you can take a backseat for a while. Let me pick the next song. Something a little more uptempo with limited minor chords. I have a lot I want to get done in the years to come, and your aggressive and negative attitude does not help us to move forward. Maybe we can take a break, just be friends for a while? Starting over is a myth borne in youthful emotionality, I know better. But I don't know if I can manage the intensity of this relationship anymore. It is time for more change. I hope you understand.

Sincerely,
Me

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