In the Zen Zone

Starting this week with being denied chemotherapy was, honestly, rather difficult for me. Although having another week of recovery is nice, there were fears to be faced. My body gets an additional week to strengthen, but the cancer cells also get a reprieve... I can only hope that the scales balance in my favor. And there is little I can outwardly do to increase my bodies ability to be up for the treatment again next week. This lack of control in the situation makes me uneasy. Added to this is the fact that there is not a lot of structure in my daily routine. The two-week chemo schedule was the only structure that I really planned around. And having that one solidity taken away required some mental readjusting.

On a daily basis, I try to keep a rather zen attitude. I listen to and attend to my body's needs first. If there's nothing that needs tending, then I ask myself "what can I do now" or "what do I wish to do now," or some combination of the two. If I don't get to something in a day, or cannot finish a project, then I allow that to be acceptable. There's a sense of fluidity that I attempt to maintain from hour to hour and day to day. And I am getting rather good at being present in whatever I am doing in the moment. There is much less internal judgement now. I used to carry lots of mental measuring sticks and was always coming upon them in everything I did or thought about doing. And it often made me see a rather poor presentation of myself. I realized how futile all those sticks were when held up against the ultimate criterion of life versus death. Because that is the whole of your thinking when first faced with cancer.

All we have is what we have already done and what we do today. There is no promise of tomorrow. Lack of attachment, in the Buddhist tradition, is really about bringing you to the present moment. Yesterday, even two minutes ago, is gone and you cannot reach back to change it. Tomorrow is a dream, a hope, but not a given. Although this can appear dismal, and can be argued in both a positive or negative frame philosophically, I sense it as rather freeing. It has helped me discard judgement and expectation, unshackling my psyche, and providing more space for ease and happiness. This moment is my choice. Only mine. That is an empowering revelation. -I- can choose... right now... I am the only one in control of myself and my actions. I can sometimes choose to give that choice away, or to make a choice that assuages others, or to not make a choice and simply flow with the circumstance. But the responsibility ultimately lies only within me. My reaction to the consequences of those choices is also a personal decision. So, a question for each of us is, what attitude do you choose to affect? I choose happy, positivity.

This perspective has ushered in even more felicitous insights. I have found that any given moment can feel like an indulgence if you let your mind and body loll about in the senses of it. For someone of such a sensual nature as myself, this was an amazing discovery. I sort of recognized the possibility before, but didn't understand how complete it could be. I now allow myself to fully revel in many moments every day. It helps to make each day feel special. It turns the simple into something more divine. And sometimes, like earlier this week when I had to bring my mind back across to the sunny side of the street, it makes the work easier. 

So today has been up and down. I awoke hungry and found deep satisfaction in satisfying that need. Then there was back pain, and I accepted it and tended to my body. Today flows with hunger, music, tiredness, satisfaction, disorder, sunbeams, contemplation. Each moment worthy and true. I float with the rhythm of the day and am content.

We interrupt this broadcast...

Went in for this week's chemotherapy and was turned away. This morning's blood work shows that my WBC counts are in the red zone and are too low for them to risk giving me treatment this week. I asked if the cold was affecting this, and was told that being on the antibiotics and fighting a cold should have boosted my WBC count, not lowered it. This is a result of ongoing chemotherapy and is not all that uncommon. It has been two months of poisoning, and my body just isn't ready to handle more yet. I don't feel any worse or different than I normally do at this stage of things, and that's not unusual either. This just means that my immune system is almost non-existent right now. And I was told not to have any visitors that are sick or potentially think they might be sick. So back to hermitage, taking it easy and getting as much rest as possible.

There is a shot (neupogen) they can give me that will artificially increase my WBC count. They could choose to do that this week, and then be more certain that I would be up for treatment next week. I'm now scheduled in for chemo again next Thursday (Sept 6). The problem with the neupogen shot, however, is that it can have its own set of lovely side effects such as muscle and bone aches, headaches, and reaction/tenderness around the injection site, amongst others. And apparently it is a drug that is often a hassle getting covered by health insurance. I didn't hear back from my oncologist today, so I don't know where the choice on this stands.

I was very discouraged when they sent me home this afternoon. After all, I'm on the fast track to kicking cancer's ass through whatever means necessary. This road block is not a stop I want to make on the journey. I wish my body could be as strong as my will.

Luckily, my afternoon ride was able to come early to get me back home. After a wee bit of wallowing at the house, I took myself out for a late lunch at my favorite restaurant. Then sat outside one of my favorite coffee houses in town with a nice cappuccino and an excellent book. Followed that up with a long nap. I awoke feeling like I had sidestepped the depression that had been hovering, waiting for its opportunity to get a foot in my mental door. After all, this ended up being a much nicer day than one spent hooked up to chemo all afternoon. And I have another week of feeling pretty good ahead of me instead of the post-chemo days of uselessness. I'm certain one week's delay will not derail my ass-kicking plan.

Serendipity is a beautiful thing. I am just wrapping this up when what song starts playing in the background but Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel (feat. Kate Bush).

Couldn't say it better myself. Thank you Peter for bringing the first true smile to me today.

Sulking ain't pretty

Well... definitely in the full throes of this cold. We've passed into the coughing stage now, which only irritates my throat all over again. Must admit that I was hoping to wake up this morning and feel right as rain. Of course since that didn't happen, it's another fruitless day around the old homestead. I'm just trying not to sulk to extremity. The original plan was to be in Canada for a pool party. But phlegm is about as appealing in a pool as piss; so I am depriving friends of my presence and plague. Instead I've been indulging in moody music while futzing about the house. Did a fairly good job of distracting myself last night. Lazy, but tasty, take-out shawarma for dinner along with movies and a card game. This evening is looking like mani/pedi night with a couple of Coen films. That should use up my time nicely. The only question is do I start with the horrifying or the hilarious film-wise? Which note do I want to end the evening with?

Being cooped up is not a situation I deal well with. I defiantly took a walk yesterday for a little over an hour. Got three plus miles in and was careful not to press myself too hard. It was a lovely day though and it felt good to be out and about for a short time. I stopped and took a few pictures along the way, including this bird nest I happened to glimpse in a field off the path. Since the cold is a little more fierce today, I've been making the 'smart' decision to stay in and try to take it easy. Of course I'm optimistic that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better. We'll see how that works out. After all, o' brother, this is no country for old sulkers.

Lessons

Somehow I have contracted a summer cold. It started with a mild sensation in my throat Tuesday, which became a full-on sore throat Wednesday morning. The kind that feels like someone has scrubbed your throat raw. But no fever, congestion or other symptoms. Of course my white blood cell (WBC) counts are pretty tanked right now after two months of chemotherapy. And the doctor and nurses have all told me to call if there is any sign of fever or infection. Apparently infection is a 'super bad thing' for someone on chemo and with counts like mine. I swear the medical community tries to scare you into submission. They keep saying that a fever one day could mean ICU the next. Sheesh!, a bit over dramatic. So I dutifully called Wednesday morning and informed them that I had a sore throat. They had me come in for bloodwork and to meet with a nurse. My WBC counts are actually higher this week than last (go me!). But they decided to put me on antibiotics just as a preventative measure. My throat does feel somewhat better today, but now my nose is running. So hopefully this will run its course quickly and I'll be past it by the time I go back for chemo next week.

The frustrating thing about it is that this is my off chemo week, and I'm supposed to be able to do what I want and be feeling nothing but better every day that goes by. I don't like kinks being thrown in my perfectly laid plans. This whole disease experience is making it difficult to hold on to the mindset that I have mental omnipotence over my body. I've continued to hold to the youthful conviction that things like sleep and sickness are merely speed bumps on the way to living and accomplishing and having fun. The kind of speed bumps that you don't really have to slow down that much for, maybe downshift a gear or merely take your foot off the gas for a moment. Why would I waste brake lights and time on such inconsequential items? But apparently cancer is here to teach me a new solid life lesson about body/mind dynamics. (Damn that cancer and its high-minded moralistic attitude!)

Some of you may think that being handed a 'sit on the couch and veg' card is pretty cool. But that card has been getting a lot of use over the last few months, and I'm tired of being tired and veg'ing. I want to kick around and do stuff and go places and dance. I want to run myself ragged in the name of fun, mischief and debauchery. That's difficult to do when you start ragged. So I wait. Not yet patiently; but I wait with a shadow of something like patience. And with a wicked Cheshire Cat-like grin in my mind, envisioning the mayhem of good times that are sure to come.

She's a Winner!

Got up way too early this morning to meet my oncologist and get the results from my most recent MRI. My body has resumed its natural schedule of midnight to nine (or later) for sleeping. Coupled with more insomnia last night (I was a little angry at the world), and I'd forgotten how hard it is to be up and at 'em for eight a.m. I'm sympathizing with most of my friends and family who work the typical eight to five work shift; but I certainly do not miss that schedule. I know you're all shivering in antici....pation for the grand results, and they are... goose egg! As I predicted, the MRI showed nothing going on in my back. Specifically, the first result said that there is no sign of metastatic disease in the spine. So this is super good news and now we know. My doctors weren't concerned with this yet, as progression into the bones would be a larger concern if way in the future there is recurrence. But as we all know I'm going to kick this the first time around, that's not something I'm worried about now.

After returning home and deciding not to eat an entire half of the Zingerman's chocolate chunk sourdough loaf I picked up for half price, but rather only consuming three slices and some healthy leftovers for breakfast, I was going to take a nice long walk on this warm sunny day. There is this wonderful thing called the Midwest Collaborative for Library Services that allows you to check out books through various virtual means such as for your Kindle or Nook, or even audio books. I thought the audio version of a Christopher Moore book would be a nice companion for my stroll, but alas the internets and my computer have given me a bugger of a time allowing me to access it. Downloading it from the online library was a cinch, log in and two minutes later, voila! Getting the security upgrades I needed for OverDrive was just not happening however. Finally found a forum that solved my issue and am now waiting for the transfer to finish to my phone. I was hoping to take a long walk without time constraints, want to see what I can handle and start walking daily again. And though I know that an hour's ramble will be more than adequate for my goal today, I just hate being limited by the clock.

Fortunately, Moore is assured to make me laugh while I perambulate, and I'll be following up by meeting some friends for assuredly good conversation. Perhaps not the most productive day, but spending the rest of the afternoon in the sunshine will certainly be a soul soother.

Under the summer sun

Barring some insomnia last night, there are just good things to report this post. Yesterday was another nap-py day, and today has been absolutely lovely. I feel like I've missed a lot of the summer season this year. Haven't been up for good road trips or any camping; most of June and half of July were spent convalescing indoors. But today was one of those not-too-warm summer days and I spent most of it out and about. It's always a good Saturday that starts with a morning trip to the farmer's market. Everything is hitting it's peak now and the selection is wide and wonderful. Two stuffed bags of vegetables and fresh eggs later and we're off for a mini breakfast road trip. Barely home before off again for art and music at the library with a girlfriend. We learned how to make origami roses, played with the tutus in an empty room set up for ballet storytime, checked out the mini trapeze, sang along to some Art and Garfunkel, and roamed the exhibits. Of course by then it is teatime. Two pots of tea shared with two great friends. Then home to turn the market bounty into a tasty dinner. Now there is blues playing on the stereo and I'm ready to rest my back and get some good rest. A nice normal day... these are the ones I've been looking forward to.

Nap-tastic

It's been a pretty quiet couple of days, which has given me a terrific opportunity to continue my practice towards becoming the Queen of Napping. The fatigue has really hit me hard this treatment and it seems like I'm just moving from nap to nap to bedtime. And making sure that I eat something in between occasionally. Lack of appetite the first couple of days after chemo has been something I've had to watch carefully. I don't actually feel hungry much, though I do recognize that my body needs food. So I'm typically just eating when I know it is the proper time to eat, and trying to make sure that happens at least twice each day. By the fourth post-chemo day my appetite is just about back to normal. And I ate a very full dinner this evening without feeling at all nauseous or overstuffed.

Many of you have heard me say that I have found the only true no-exercise-diet-plan out there. Systematic poisoning has to be a bitch to market however. I know some of those 'miracle' pills out there can be pretty hazardous, but chemo is taking it to a whole other level. Since cooking is one of my favorite hobbies, I've dabbled enough in nutrition to know how to keep everything pretty balanced. I've been keeping within a tight three pound 'bounce' from week to week. Down a little on chemo weeks, but then back up again on the off-week. It's kind of nice on off-weeks to really eat about anything I want. Everything in moderation though, so it's mostly stuffing myself with extra grains, a bit of cheese on everything, and never saying no to dessert.

I've made it through four treatments, almost two full months now. And I feel like I've settled into the rhythm of this stage. Every week is a little different though, so it is still a day-by-day process. But there is some consistency, and every day past 'chemo Tuesdays' is a day I feel a little better. So, here's to the upswing! Think I'll celebrate with some sleeping.

Live Chemo Blogging!

2:30 p.m. - Today you get real time, live blogging from the chemo treatment room. Got to the center a little before 11 a.m. this morning and finally made it upstairs for the chemo. The initial wooziness from the Atavin has worn off a bit. We are about a third of the way through the two hour Oxaliplatin and Leucovorin infusion. Drips about once a second for one, and twice a second for the other. (exciting stuff, eh?) Here is me hooked up, and my infusion bags.

The terrific thing about having an implanted portacath is that I don't have to worry about how the chemo drugs will affect my veins. Two of my drugs are strong vesicants which can create chemical burns if they get on the skin, and can also weaken and collapse the veins themselves. This also puts me one implant closer to the cyborg singularity. I'm a good three steps ahead of most of you and therefore expect to be beloved by our new overlords when the time arrives. I would like to be called 8 of 14 when they've completed my assimilation. And I'd prefer my spandex a deep plum color.

3:10 p.m. - Bored. That's a majority of the time here in treatment. Stuck sitting here hooked up for 3-4 hours. The treatment chairs are all pretty tight together and that means it is often too loud and busy with family and visitors to read well. Or to read anything with substance, which is what I brought along today. But I also brought the laptop for the first time. Been catching up on email and FB. Will likely be watching movie trailers soon. I should have warned you from the beginning about the lack of excitement that this live blogging session would entail.

3:30 p.m. - Look what I can do with my web cam photo: (yep, that's the boredom stage we've hit)

Found out you can get Jimmy Johns delivered right to your treatment chair. Not the best lunch option, but delivery is certainly a perk when you don't have a minion on hand to run errands for you. And their oatmeal raisin cookie is good. Since I don't typically feel up to eating much post-chemo for a couple days, it's good to get as much food in me as possible beforehand and during. And since I'm freshly dosed up with three different anti-nausea drugs, my tummy feels great for noshing.

4:00 p.m. - I can see the sun outside just over my shoulder. This would have been a good day to go walk at the nature center. Too bad I wasn't given a choice... cake or death? Unless you're building an immunity to iocane powder, who is going to pick the poison option? Though in my medical case, cake = treatment and death, well it's just always death. Guess I am picking my poison. I hate when logic leads me back around to the less preferred case.

4:15 p.m. - The long hang is over. Now getting the bolus (bow-lus), aka 'push' of 5-FU before they bring out my pump for the rest of the 5-FU from now through Thursday. My ride is on her way and then we'll be done for this time around.

 And that's my pump. Now to pack up everything and head home for naptime! Thanks for joining me in this less than exciting live blog adventure. Two weeks from now, same bat time, same bat channel kids.