It's pretty easy in regular moments to self-delude myself into thinking that things are pretty normal. There are a lot of everyday things that I can handle, and there are more good moments than bad. The bad ones catch up, however, with a magnitude of suck. I'll be going along doing something like chopping vegetables for dinner, listening to music and thinking the world is pretty right. Go to grab something out of the fridge and the burning pins and needles reminds me that something is not so normal. Or that things are now the 'new normal' which is "situation normal, all fucked up." It's a too strong goose to the ass, or more like a sharp towel snap from the bully in P.E.
Yesterday one of my girlfriends picked me up for an early day outing. We shopped the farmer's market and then headed to Bell's for a small art show/fair. It was a lovely morning, sunny and a little warm with good conversation. We're outside in the biergarten chatting away when all of a sudden I got really dizzy. Not quite falling down dizzy, but enough that I was worried. I had to pause us and head inside to sit down. No idea what brought it on: I'd eaten and blood sugar was good, I didn't feel overtly warm, we hadn't been too active, I'd just had a glass of water, I should have been fine but wasn't. I chalked it up to a cancer ass goose, but it bothered me because I was being normal and having a good time... I'd chosen to forget for a little while. It's these moments that are the most frustrating. Especially the tiny little twinges while I'm doing something else, like a suddenly stiffened hand in front of a cold air vent, a butt pang that ruins my comfortable perch, random belly cramps. This is now my normal, but obviously my brain has yet to come to full terms.
I'm not delusional enough to even consider thoughts like 'turning back the clock,' or 'if this never happened.' But I do think about how nice it will be when I'm fully recovered and past the shitty stage. It will be terrific to not consider every decision or worry about what happens next. Again with the patience... and still I am not so good at it.